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Wednesday, July 6, 2011

True Blood: I Hope You Brought Your Latin Phrasebook

True Blood
Season 4, Episode 2
"You Smell Like Dinner"

After some previouslies, we're back.  Mr. Jason comes to to find a young werepanther named Timbo to be licking his forehead wound. Hot Shot doesn't have band aids but it does have head licking werepanther kids.   Ah Felton, I forgot how much I didn't give a crap about this storyline.  When someone says that you're about to get "fucked" on True Blood, I think your best bet is to take that shit seriously and literally.


How'd Sookie get her robe back from Eric, I feel like he missed an opportunity there.  After they continue the misogyny conversation from last week and the over inflated Sookie-based rates in Bon Temps real-estate, Eric does utter these surely soon to be immortal words, "your blood tastes like freedom Sookie. Like sunshine in a pretty blond bottle."  Sookie is clearly intrigued by the idea of Eric being her caretaker and yet revolted by the idea of being "owned" by anyone. I've read some stuff about this plotline serving as some feminist critique on the duality of the modern woman. Botches, its true Blood, calm the fuck down.

Bill has some pre-sexposition with his coven plant about how they resurrected the Minerva bird for a few seconds and how he plans to shut. it. down.  

Hoyt, Jessica and Pam are stepping out of Fangtasia to some Christian activists protesting the demons; I think he means the vampires.  Hoyt steps to one of them and calls him on his Christian yet filled with hate hypocrisy bullshit and questions how he can even call himself a Christian. "Goddamn right I'm a Christian." (that's what I call a Louisiana Christian ... Christians that take the Lord's name in vain in an attempt to prove their Christian-ness.  Pam again wins the best quip award with the line, "let them practice their Constitutional right to be fucking idiots." I love Pam Vamp snark.  Fisticuffs. Pam and Jessica need to stand by cause they are on Candid Camera and Alan Funt is right behind the lamp post and vampires don't need anymore bad press.

Naked post-horse shift racing with Sam and Luna.  I know she's hot and naked and I guess women think Sam is hot, and yes he's naked, but snore.  I am moving on. Shifter Support Groups that encourage the shifting seems to be like working through your alcoholism with a support group made of a 12-pack.  

Bill in current sex mode with his coven plant while Sookie comes up on the property.  He totally senses her and seems to lose his mojo with the coven plant (Katerina is her name, did we know that?).  Yeah, Bill is king Sook, no one mentioned that to you yet?  In a total, I am over you move, Bill clearly lets Sookie walk in on the "just getting dressed after having vamp-human sex" part of the evening.  Awwwwk-ward.   

Sookie has come to air her grievance over Eric buying her house; he offers to try and find a "work around" but can't promise anything.  She inquires at how he became king but wisely withdraws the question cause when Sookie finds out shit about Bill's past, it only makes her worse off than she was before.  (You'll notice there was a paragraph break between 2 scenes with bill and Sookie; I omitted the Jesus/Lafayette bullshit cause I just don't care ... not until something interesting happens and/or Jesus reveals himself to be this season's MaryAnne or that serial killer Cajun Rene. Moving On.) Just because Sookie doesn't want to know doesn't mean we don't (and BTW, Sookie TOTALLY wants to know) BILL FLASHBACK!  London 1982, punk rocker Bill (Barbie should totally hook up with that doll) is in da club; just picture lots of leather and chains (but not in a fetish way). Ah, Punk Rocker Bill has an English accent, like something from This is Spinal Tap.  Oooh Margaret Thacher humor. Zing! Bill is giving the sexy eyes to the bartender which means gay sex to the bartender but means dinner to Punk Rocker Bill. After he is done feeding on him in the alley, Bill glamours the bartender to not remember any of the feeding on human blood and gives him some recuperative vitamin tips.  He's also reverted to Bon Temps accented Bill.  Away you go bartender.  Bill is the kindest, gentlest blood sucker out there, AmiRight?!?!  

Nan Flanagan appears in the alley in a maybe too 1980's- forward outfit and introduces herself to Bill.  She knows who he is; has in fact been following him for weeks. She is clearly impressed and intrigued that he doesn't kill his food and pitches him on the mainstreaming of vampires into world society.  Bill likes the idea but thinks its a dream.  She informs him of what must be the burgeoning AVL at this point as well as a group of scientists (including Louis Pasteur! A vampire FTW!) that have been working on, and are almost finished with, a true synthetic to human blood and that when that happens, they can step out of the shadows.  Nan wants Bill to be a vampire spy, one a few well placed operatives to sow the seeds of mainstreaming into the various vamp monarchies.  I suspect this will play into how Bill came to work for Sophie Anne. 

Arlene, Terry and their demon baby visit Merlotte's, where Sookie has resumed work, apparently (I guess she has to pay Eric rent, right?). When Sookie

Ugh, back in hot Shot.  Now with 100% more Addict Andy looking for a score.  Felton is understandably nervous about Mr. Jason being discovered by Addict Andy but clearly underestimates Addict Andy's addiction and how he couldn't give two shits about anything but getting another score of V.    Hey Crystal, you're looking scarily high right now. But, honestly, while Jason says he isn't in the mood; please, its Jason, he's always in the mood.  Crystal gags him so that Addict Andy can't hear his screams and pierce his V-Addicted Mind.  A little spot of V and Addict Andy is on his way and Mr. Jason remains a prisoner.  Too bad, so sad Jason. I mean, I hate Felton but Jason is dumb as the dumbest rocks and kind of deserves everything that always happens to him. The guy is king of bad decisions.

Luna and Sam. Luna is sitting frumpily in a chair, trying to seduce Sam zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sorry, dozed off there. Something happened with Sam and Luna. I don't care enough to rewind.  Oh, Luna is a teacher and dresses slutty to school.  Also, Tommy is still hanging around.  We segue to a staring contest between the demon baby and Arlene which causes her to bust a blood vessel in her eye. Its kind of gross but it allows Terry to have a sweet conversation with the demon baby about how his momma is fucked up in the head.  It also allows Arlene to parody the "boy ain't right" bit from King of the Hill.

Sookie .. and the Faeries!!!! Run Sookie Run !!!!!!!!! Oh wait, shit, its just Tara.  Stupid Sookie is having waking terrors.  I guess "Toni" decided to go to her "grandma's funeral". Wait a little while Tara, someone will die.  I always liked this relationship.  It seems Eric has made some improvements to the house; good landlord that one.  He even left some blood in the fridge to chill.  Oh, yeah, he also built himself a cubby so that he can sack out i the house during the day. Don't you miss your cubby holes from like Kindergarten where you keep all of the treasures you looted from the other kids? No? Just me. Don't judge me, I'll cut you. And take your shit. And put it in my cubby hole.  Anyway, the cubby hole is the last straw for Sookie and puts a kabosh on the whole girlfriend picnic bonding thing she and Tara were going to do.  I like relaxed Zen Tara. 

Hoyt is pretty messed up.  However, he refuses Jessica's blood to help heal him and accidentally refers to her blood as, "that shit." While he simply was opining on the dangers of V addiction (has he seen Addicted Andy lately?), she is understandably upset and hightails it out of the house to the "drug store." And by drug store, she means Fangtasia to bang that desperate Fangbanger from last week in the bathroom. Stay classy Jessica. 

Tara meets up with Lafayette and Jesus and finds out about their swinging Wiccan lifestyle.  Off to their meeting they go.  To the Moon Goddess Emporium.

Bill tries, halfheartedly at best, to get Eric to sell Sookie's house back to her or to Bill.  Eric declines. Bill moves on to his real business with Eric; to shut down the Moon Goddess Emporium. Eric scoffs at having to deal with witches but turns serious when Bill mentions they are necromancers that have already resurrected a Minerva bird.  This has serious implications for the dead humans otherwise known as vampires.  Apparently, this necromancing power allows them, at least in theory at this point, them to control vampires.  Interesting.  This storyline just increased tenfold in the "things I give shit to know more about" category.  Eric gets a dig in that he was around during the inquisition and so he remembers what havoc necromancers can wreak (I hope we get that flashback) -- a dig only because it shows how much older Eric is than Bill.  Vampire jealousy issues are so peculiar.  When Eric question Bill's authority to act without explicit AVL consent, Bill swings his Vampire penis all over the place with the whole, "I'm king of Looosiana" thing.  Eric is clearly busting his balls and enjoying it.  I wonder if Bill didn't have power to remove Eric as Sheriff or if he was just the only vamp around qualified for the job (I hope we get that flashback too). The Flashback that we do get is the fight between Sophie Anne and Bill, the beginning of which we saw last season (you'll remember the teeth baring and the Matrix-like air flight at each other).  In a rather anti-climatic twist, Sophie Anne tosses Bill once and then Bill's human SWAT team shows up loaded to bear with wooden bullets (with silver cores) and proceeds to shoot the fuck out of Sophie Anne exploding her ass right there on the carpet.   And, there's Nan again. Hi Nan. Where'd Nan get a human SWAT team?  Wouldn't a Vampire SWAT team be like 1000 times more badass?  Nan picks up on the personal nature of Bill's animosity towards Sophie Anne (seeing as he caused all of his problems with Sookie but was the reason he met Sookie in the first place -- no regrets Bill, everything you did made you the Vampire you are today).  Bill lies that, as it turns out, there was nothing special about Sookie after all. So, clearly he still has some feelings for her since he is protecting her faery ass right here.  Nan threatens Bill to not lie to her (he has seen the penalty for lying). And then she installs him as the new king.  He pledges his loyalty to the Authority (is that the seem as the AVL? A wing of the AVL? Or inner circle?)

Pam, while he is repulsed at Sookie's attempt to be besties with her, does give Sookie some heartfelt advice to take be with Eric before someone else gets her faery fanny.  Back to the protesters (whose catchy chant goes, "Steve Newlin's right, you devils of the night") Oh there is Jessica, looking hot and vampire horny.  We get a weird slo mo as she pushes through the crowd and into the club. It continues as she lets down her hair and eye fucks the guy from last week. 

The Moon Goddess Emporium.  Oh Marnie is turning folks off with her next steps for the club. Bitches were cool with the Minerva bird coming back from the dead but no one seems cool with bringing a corpse up in this joint. Tara heads outside; Lafayette is jealous but does have to keep his Jesus happy.  

Shifter Support Group.  Oh, we are having a "worse thing you ever shifted into" contest.  I'll tell you now; Luna wins this one.  Yeah, she shifted into her dead mom (who dies birthing her) so as to better understand her? Or something. Also, she was raised by Navajos?  Who hate skinwalkers -- which is like the next level of fucked up shifter life and maybe, sort of what Luna is? Legend of the Skinwalkers sounds like a prog rock 70's band, BTW.  Also, to be a skinwalker, you need to kill a shifter who is related to you.  Thank god no one is around to hear this revelatory piece of information. oh wait, there is Tommy eavesdropping.  Now Tommy and Sam are birds and chasing each other. These kids ... and their shifting today.

Eric busts in on the witch meeting.  He is surprised to see Lafayette.

Sookie tries to play mom with Jessica as she is macking on her fangbanger. Jessica has some residual daddy vampire issues with how Sookie did Bill wrong. Sookie leaves.  

Um, Tommy? Sam?  You guys wanna have a good brother argument? Sure. Just put some clothes on for god sakes.  BTW, Tommy is totally faking his limp. Sam, I think you're stretching the "high on the hog" thing -- he's at Maxine Fortenberry's house.  Unless Maxine is the hog. Zing!  They reach a brother detente.  They're still naked.  

The Emporium.  Eric is interrogating the group. He is looking for Marnie.  He is the law speech ensues.  Marnie seems undeterred.  Lafayette is care shitless.  When Marnie continues to persist, Eric starts to drain her.  The group start chanting but its not until Eric has to defend himself against Tara's staking attempt that Lafayette is prompted to join the circle and some real shit goes down.  Marnie becomes possessed and starts chanting some good old Latin that translates into, "The power of Christ compels you, the power of Christ compels you" HA! Just Kidding. The interwebs seems to think it translates too, "Evil spirits, I command you to depart the circle immediately, without sound or fear or foulness, and without damage to either my soul or body." if anyone out there has a better take, please share with the class.  Eric goes all googly eyed, his teeth retract and he looks ... confused.  Marnie for her part, also looks equals parts confused and shocked.  If an ancient ass spirit possess me, I'd be pissed on top of those other emotions.  

Hot Shot.  Crystal has a plan to make a baby with Mr. Jason, but first she has to make him a were panther. Felton is also here .. and getting naked?  Jason is correctly confused at the nakedness but it makes sense when Felton shifts into a werepanther. Then Crystals shifts too. And, they start eating at Jason's abs.  Ya'll, I know your Meth hicks but its not a real 6 pack. Zing!  

last scene.  Sookie finds Eric wandering down the road, shrtless (as you do) and he seems to have no idea who she is.   Amnesia Eric.  He is still intensely in to her .. just can't remember why. "Why do you smell so good." And scene.

I am liking this whole swirling tornado of Faeries, Witches, Vampires; less excited about Skinwalkers and Werepanthers. But I guess there is room in the freak tent.  

See you next week Bon Tempians!

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